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Sep 19

Laugh Out Loud

These jokes have been around awhile, but I think they are worth repeating. Do any of them sound familiar?

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

FOR  THOSE THAT DON’T, IT’S ALSO A TRUE STORY.
The  following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear  Dogs and Cats: The  dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The  other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle  of my plate does not mean that is suddenly your food, nor do I find that  aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The  stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the  top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall  faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized  bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the  couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball  when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other,  stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails  straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space  that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time,  there is no secret exit from the  bathroom!  If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to  get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the  knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must  exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for  years – canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for  kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot  stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the  following message on the front door:
TO  ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR  PETS:

(1)  They live here….you don’t.
(2)  If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.  That’s  why they call it “fur”-niture.
(3)  I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4)  To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are  short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak  clearly.

Remember,  dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1)  eat less,
(2)  don’t ask for money all the time,
(3)  are easier to train,
(4)  normally come when called,
(5)  never ask to drive the car,
(6)  don’t hang out with drug-using people;
(7)  don’t smoke or drink,
(8)  don’t want to wear your clothes,
(9)  don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
(10)  don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11)  if  they get pregnant, you can sell their children…….

*Editor’s note: 1, 3, 4, and 5 are debatable depending on the dog or cat.

 

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